Weekly Views From The Secretary
In an abrupt change of policy, the United States Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) has announced that from now on it will enforce pollution laws against federal agencies first.
"It is only fair that the federal government get its own house in order before it imposes expensive mitigation measures on the rest of America," a spokesperson said.
As its first order of business under the new policy, EPA will require the United States Department of Agriculture's Forest Service to stop dumping an estimated nine billion tons of pollutants into the air and water of America by burning several million acres of federal lands each year.
"The Forest Service is not fooling anyone. Their own environmental analysis shows they utilize only about 10 percent (nature removes another 10 percent) of the wood produced each year on federal lands in a climate that has only about 18 inches of annual rainfall. We know the other 80 percent of annual growth is planned for discharge into the air and water by combustion. It has to burn and everyone knows it, but they refuse to get a permit for those discharges," an unidentified source in the EPA explained.
Forest Service officials admitted that for many years they have flown through the smoke of wildfires in America in a large aircraft with sophisticated electronic equipment measuring emissions of things like carbon monoxide, mercury and other toxic pollutants. However, they insist that such things are not really "pollutants" under the law unless the Forest Service lights the fire.
"If lightning, a careless camper or an arsonist starts the fire, the release is not a discharge of a pollutant even if at times it is the largest single source of summertime air pollution in North America," a spokesperson said.
A Forest Service spokesperson added, "Well, we can only do what Congress says to do with these lands in laws they write. It is not our fault."
Congressional sources claimed the Forest Service simply has field management problems and for that reason cannot get its work done. "It is really unfair of the Forest Service to blame Congress for their mess," the source said.
The same source hinted that EPA might be due for a change in leadership because "it appears the agency is getting out of hand."
EPA officials did not appreciate the thinly veiled threat from Congressional sources. "Congress is responsible for all federal lands and how they are managed. If they can't figure out how to properly manage the land, they should give it to the States," a source said.
A public opinion survey revealed that 75% of Americans support the federal government's control of 30% of the land in America and think Congress is doing a "better" job of managing it.
The truth is, I made this story up (at least most of it), but maybe someone had such thoughts without saying them.
