Sierra Club, Center for Biological Diversity file suit against Mother Nature 

May 23, 2006
By Chris Vargas

Cleveland National Forest, San Diego, California - Cleveland National Forest Service Biologist Mary Thomas informed the public today that Maple Springs Road -- the name for Silverado Canyon Road where it enters the National Forest -- will remain open this year. 

Due to a lawsuit filed over seven years ago by the Center for Biological Diversity to protect the Arroyo Toad breeding area from human impact, Maple Springs Road was ordered closed to all access during the Arroyo Toad breeding season, which lasts from April 1 to October 30. 

Due to the destruction of the Arroyo Toad's egg laying habitat, caused by last year's record rains, the toads continue to be unable to breed for a second year in a row. Droughts in past consecutive years have also stopped the breeding season.

The Center For Biological Diversity and Sierra Club have filed a lawsuit/restraining order against Mother Nature in the 9th District Court for her actions -- rain -- leading to the destruction of Arroyo Toad habitat. They also accuse Mother Nature of causing multi-year droughts, which have also prevented the toad from breeding.

Because of this lawsuit, Mother Nature was served yesterday with a restraining order signed by Judge U. Harshly. Harshly wants to put an immediate halt to so-called "Acts of God," citing information from a confidential source that Mother Nature is really behind it all, not God. 

A spokesman for the Sierra Club stated that Mother Nature refuses to keep nature frozen in a "static" state and is believed in the past to have caused the extinction of 'countless species' (including dinosaurs) by Ice Ages, Warming Periods and massive meteors.

To prove their point that Mother Nature has been negligent, they presented historical evidence in the lawsuit that shows that the higher temperatures of the Medieval Warm Period, from approximately 750 A.D. to 1250 A.D. -- caused by an increase in sunspot activity -- allowed the Vikings to colonize a warmer and greener Greenland.

Historical records also provide evidence that these higher temperatures allowed vineyards and winemaking to be brought northward into the British Isles during the Medieval Warm Period.

The higher temperatures of the Medieval Warm Period were followed by the Little Ice Age, which froze the Viking colonies out of Greenland and created agricultural shortages across Northern Europe.

Scientific reports and historical records indicate that sunspot activity reached a maximum during the warmest temperatures of the Medieval Warm Period, and that the coldest temperatures of the Little Ice Age occurred during the Maunder Sunspot Minimum, the period from 1645-1715 AD in which minimal sunspot activity was observed.

The Sierra Club spokesperson stated, "We wish we could blame past cooling and warming periods on man and his effect on "Global Cooling" and "Global Warming" -- but cars and modern industry did not exist -- so Mother Nature has to accept responsibility." 

He continued, "What people forget is that, although these cooling and warming periods brought on by Mother Nature forced humans to adapt or die, the impact on non-human species was just as great -- affecting their habitat, potential habitat, breeding patterns, fish populations and migratory patterns."

When the Sierra Club spokesman was questioned as to whether the past cooling trend experienced between 1940 and 1970, which resulted in the "Global Cooling" crises, and the current warming period since that time could also be blamed on Mother Nature -- since these climate changes coincided with a corresponding decrease and increase in sunspot activity -- he responded by accusing the person asking the question of being in the pocket of 'big oil' -- and stated that the Sierra Club believed Mother Nature to also be in the same pocket.

The restraining order signed by Judge U. Harshly further stated that all future cataclysmic events will henceforth be illegal, and singled out "asteroid impacts with Earth" as having unusually unacceptable consequences. All asteroids having any intention of ever even coming CLOSE to Earth will be treated with the most harsh measures imaginable.

A spokesperson from The "Earth Liberation Front" stated, "Bad, bad, Mother Nature."

At press time, we were unable to get a statement from Mother Nature, who was also reported in the Los Angeles Times to be under investigation by the United Nations for "destroying other critical habitat by her blatant use of volcanoes, earthquakes and tsunamis."

----- 

I wrote this "parody" after the Forest Service notified me that it won't need to close an important road into the Cleveland National Forest this year to comply with a lawsuit filed by the Center for Biological Diversity to protect the Arroyo Toad. For the fourth year in a row, Mother Nature -- not man -- has stopped the toad from breeding. The "historical" evidence related to past warming and cooling periods is not made up -- it's true.