Scientists Discover Nature Is Filthy

JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News

Scientists have run high-tech tests on harmful bacteria in local rivers and streams and found that the majority of the germs in the Potomac and Anacostia rivers come from wildlife dung. The finding has put the Environmental Protection Agency in a quandary.

“I was out in a wilderness area last week,” said EPA Public Information Officer Forest Greene. “Everywhere I looked there was dirt, debris, and decaying vegetation. I ruined a good pair of shoes stepping in some animal’s dung. These creatures are fouling their own nest, so to speak. This really throws a monkey wrench into our perspective on ‘cleaning up the environment.’ I mean, if the environment is naturally filthy, what does cleaning it up mean?”

“Normally, we would issue a cease-and-desist order, impose a fine, or shut down the operation,” Greene continued. “But who’s going to issue a citation to a bear? How’s the bear going to pay the fine? If we build sanitary rest areas for these animals would they even use them?”

Predictably, the EPA has called for more funding to study the issue. “We need more money if we’re going to figure out how to solve this problem,” said Greene.

Thus far, the favored solution is modeled on city ordinances that require pet owners to pick up defecations. “We’re thinking that a forest waste patrol would monitor these animals and retrieve the dung,” Greene said. “The manpower required would be huge, but we feel no price is too high to pay for a clean environment.”

(Part of a longer article)

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Source:  http://www.azconservative.org/Semmens1.htm